Here we go again. Donald Trump is back with his magical wand, ready to solve all of America’s problems—on Day One. Yes, folks, forget logistics, policies, or reality. Here’s a look at some of the things he’s promised to do, and a few we think he might try…
1. The Economy Will Skyrocket to Unimaginable Heights
Forget Bidenflation, global markets, or economic cycles! The moment Trump touches the Oval Office chair, America’s economy will instantly explode with gold-plated prosperity. Gas will be a nickel, a Big Mac will cost less than a quarter, eggs will go back to being a dollar a dozen, and every American will find $10,000 under their pillow.
All that will be achieved by implementing the 25% tariffs we’ve been hearing about since November 5th. Because, you know, slapping a 25% tariff on everything coming into the US from Mexico and Canada obviously won’t affect prices for American consumers at all. Pure economic genius, right? America first!
2. Mass Deportation Will Happen Faster Than You Can Say ‘Build the Wall’
On Day One, millions of undocumented immigrants will be deported with the snap of Trump’s fingers. Forget logistics, legal appeals, or basic humanity. ICE will apparently grow wings, and Trump’s plan to end birthright citizenship will erase the 14th Amendment by sheer force of will. Babies born in America getting automatic citizenship? Sorry, not on his watch.
3. Speaking of Walls, the Border Wall Will Finish Building Itself
The unfinished border wall will miraculously grow taller and stronger, brick by brick, with no human intervention. And Mexico? They’ll realize how much they owe, and hand Trump a big, fat check. Maybe they’ll even throw in some margaritas as interest. This will absolutely help item number 1.
4. Crime Will Drop to an All-Time Low
On Day One, crime in the good ol’ U.S of A will hit record lows. How? Trump will redefine what counts as crime by not only pardoning every January 6th defendant, but maybe even throwing in drug dealers, murderers, and home invaders while he’s at it. Why not? If you’re going to hand out pardons like candy, why stop at one thing? You want to erase crime? Get rid of the criminals. Problem solved!
5. Healthcare Will Be “Fixed” (And Gender Affirming Care Will Disappear)
Remember how “Trumpcare” was going to fix everything? Well, this time, the plan gets an exciting new twist with RFK Jr. as Health Secretary. Expect hydroxychloroquine and ivermectin to be hailed as miracle cures for everything from the flu to a broken leg. Meanwhile, gender-affirming care will vanish into thin air, leaving patients stranded, because nothing says “freedom” like government-mandated bans on personal medical decisions. Real healthcare solutions? Forget it—they’ll be replaced with a cocktail of pseudoscience and wishful thinking. Or perhaps just bleach.
6. Everyone Will Stop Talking About Climate Change
On Day One, Trump’s reality distortion field will make climate change disappear entirely. Hurricanes? Fake. Wildfires? Just spicy weather. Icebergs will stop melting out of respect for his leadership. Plus, Trump will cancel the electric vehicle “mandate”–I think he’ll fight with Elon over that one– and unleash a “drill, baby, drill” policy so aggressive that fossil fuels will practically pour out of your water tap. Who needs renewable energy when you have him?
7. The Military Will Be “Strong Again” (And Women Will Be Told to Stay in Their Place)
With someone who has absolutely zero qualification to lead a super power such as the American Army, Trump will show the world that the American Dream is truly within reach of every Tom, Dick and Harry. Or Pete, in this case! Under this vision, military readiness will apparently improve by rolling back progress and sidelining women—because nothing says “strong again” like revisiting outdated gender roles. Don’t worry, ladies, you’ll still be allowed to “serve” by cheering from the sidelines.
8. The Cabinet Will Be “Strong Again” (With Musk and Ramaswamy at the Helm)
On Day One, Trump’s government will redefine “efficiency” by creating a brand-new Department of Government Efficiency, co-led by Elon Musk and former Republican presidential candidate Vivek Ramaswamy. That’s right! Apparently, obscene amounts of money can now buy you a Cabinet Seat.
This groundbreaking department will reportedly operate outside the confines of government itself—because nothing screams accountability like handing over public service to billionaires and CEOs with zero oversight. Expect groundbreaking policies delivered via tweets and podcasts, cutting out pesky things like transparency or democracy. Problem solved!
9. The War in Ukraine Will Magically End
On Day One, Trump will personally call Putin and Zelenskyy and solve the entire conflict over a round of golf. Peace treaties will be signed, soldiers will go home, and Trump will humbly take credit for saving the world—just don’t ask for details on how this miracle will happen.
10. America Will Be “Great Again” Again… and Forever
Because, of course, greatness is something you can just declare! On Day One, people will suddenly feel better, flags will wave harder, and bald eagles will sing the national anthem in perfect harmony. Why? Because Trump said so. And to ensure America remains forever great, Trump will immediately go to work on a presidential reform of epic proportions, one that makes him the supreme leader and does away with those silly electoral limits. Long live the KING!
Reality Check: Governing isn’t magic. Problems don’t vanish because someone says they will. It’s time to stop falling for shiny promises of Day One miracles and start asking how things will actually get done. Spoiler alert: There’s no magic wand.